At Sidequest, we have a flexible staff of some 40 contributors. Publishing a Game of the Year list for each of us is simply unfeasible, and there’s always a lot of overlap. Instead of giving you another (late, even!) list of the top ten games we played this year and why, we decided to turn it over to someone else.

See, the thing is, you’ve probably already heard why these games are great. But have you heard why they’re bad? Have you heard why they’re bad in the most unhelpful way possible? Probably not, which is why we’re bringing you our favorite games we played this year, as told by the worst reviews we could find of them. Enjoy!

Dishonored: Death of the Outsider, Arkane Studios, Bethesda, 2017

Dishonored: Death of the Outsider

Death of the Outsider Review

Way too many ♥♥♥♥ing cultists

Chosen by Joesph Langdon

Night in the Woods, Infinite Fall, Finji, 2017

Night in the Woods

Night in the Woods Review

The only people who actually like this game are furry millenial pseudo-intellectuals who think “dude, the universe is like, unchangeable, man” is Socrates-level thinking

Chosen by Melissa Brinks

Super Mario Odyssey, Nintendo, 2017

Super Mario Odyssey

Sidequest Review

over rated, nothing new here, same old regurgitated garbage companies have been selling you for decades. Its another mediocre game switch owners can leverage to justify a worthless system. Oh well, to each his own……….

Chosen by Corinne McCreery

Ladykiller in a Bind, Love Conquers All Games, 2016

Ladykiller in a Bind

Sidequest Reviews

This game made me so horny I cried, because I finally realized being horny is good.

Chosen by Annie Blitzen

Mass Effect: Andromeda, BioWare, Electronic Arts, 2017

Mass Effect: Andromeda

Sidequest Reviews

If mass effect was a tire, and two was a hover tire, this game would be the equivalent of a wooden cart wheel.
An step backwards in a franchise that use to be great.
That’s what happens when you let sjws run your studio.

Chosen by Soco Cinconegui

Everything, David OReilly, Double Fine Productions, 2017

Everything

Sidequest Reviews

I got 18 achievements on this game by opening it and leaving my computer unattended overnight. I haven’t played a single second of it. Just left it there. 18 achievements out of 50.
That says a lot about the state of gaming (or about this game).

Chosen by Zainabb Hull

Sagrada, Adrian Adamescu, Daryl Andrews, Floodgate Games, 2017

Sagrada

Sidequest Reviews

So, funny story. I actually build stained glass windows for a living. When I got an email about a Kickstarter for a game about making stained glass windows, I groaned because I try to avoid backing things on Kickstarter and I pretty much had to back this.
But what is it like to be a glazier playing Fox’s Job: The Game? …
My first impression when I opened the box was how bloodless everything is. I rarely get a proto-window slapped on my table that doesn’t have blood on it somewhere. Usually in small fingerprints shapes on the glass or just smeared on the pattern.

Chosen by Brenda Noiseux

NieR: Automata, Platinum Games, Square Enix, 2017

NieR: Automata

Sidequest Reviews

From the mind of Game Director, Yoko Ono…Why would an advanced AI from the future use a sword? Dumb.

Chosen by Madison Butler

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, Nintendo, 2017

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Sidequest Reviews

The game would be 5 stars…BUT…It rains 80% of the time in the game so you can’t do anything while it rains or storms. I’ve been in six storm cycles straight right now with no end in sight. Then there are the different buttons to skip animations (X or +) and the different buttons to dash (water vs. land). What crackhead decided this button layout? Also, the horses… What good are they if I have to get off them and leave them to do stuff and I’m too far to whistle for them?

Chosen by Cathryn Sinjin-Starr